Tony. Let's go hunting.
-l'm so glad l got waxed today. -Me, too. What did you get?
-The Bald Eagle. -l got the Bermuda Triangle.
The Landing Strip.
l got the Buckwheat.
Disgusting.
What a beautiful, sunny day.
Oh, my God. What happened to the sun?
Easy, white chocolate.
l wouldn't want you to melt.
Yeah. Hasta la vista, Schwarzenegro. Bye.
Hey, kids! You guys want to make $5?
Okay, here's what l want you to do.
Yeah, l'll take the usual. And put it on my tab.
Hey, Latrell Spencer! Could we have your autograph?
-Sure, little buddy. -Thanks. You're the greatest.
Hey, that's what l do, baby.
-Sweet! -Nice!
-Hey, stay in school. -Okay, we will!
-Wow! You must be pretty good. -l'm all right.
Sometimes l feel l should be paying them to take my autograph.
l'm sorry, l didn't even get your name.
Latrell. Latrell Spencer. And you are?
-Denise Porter. -Denise. Denise Porter.
You know, you look so familiar. l feel like l've seen you somewhere.
No. l play pro ball. Maybe you've seen one of my games.
No. But l mean if l did, l'm sure l would've definitely remembered you.
Okay, well. Look, Denise...
l don't mean to be too forward or anything...
but l'm here in town, checking out some real estate, and--
Oh, whereabouts?
-You know, up around over there. -ln Montauk?
-More like around-- -East Hampton.
Just all over the place. lt's one big blur.
One big, business blur.
l kind of want to get away from all that business and...
hang out with somebody and have a real conversation.
So, l was wondering if you're not too busy...
-maybe we can hang out? -Yeah, sure.
-Really? All right. Cool! -Yeah.
So, l'll pick you up at about....
You know, the jet should be here about 7:30...
and the limo will take about a half-hour. About 8:00. ls that good?
-Yeah, 8:00 sounds great. -8:00 sounds good? All right.
-Goodbye. -Take care.
Hey, where's our $5?
All right, calm down.
Here you go. $5. $2.50 each.
-You promised to give us $5 each. -Stay in school.
Cheapo.
l am not making excuses. l refuse to believe it.
-Really? -l don't want to believe Marcus is cheating.
l don't wanna believe Michael Jackson keeps carving up his nose.
Excuse me. Your card has been declined for insufficient funds.
The rep's on the line.
Yes, this is Mrs. Copeland.
$4,000 dress? And where did l buy this dress?
The Hamptons!
Yes, l remember.
Thank you.
lt is on.
l don't see why l got to go out with Mandingo and his anaconda.
'Cause if you don't, you'll blow our cover.
What you gonna be doing?
Me? l'm going to follow up on a lead.
You're going on a date.
She's a reporter.
Who else knows more about the Hamptons people than her?
All right, so l like the girl. You're the one always telling me to settle down.
And you should.
But that don't mean l got to go with Buffy the White Girl Slayer.
All right. Look. Just go to dinner. Okay?
l'm only gonna be a couple of hours and l'll meet you back at the club.
-You promise? -l promise?
l'm serious, dude. Promise.
l do. l'm serious. All right.
Tell Latrell if he needs a condom...
there's an extra shower curtain in the bathroom.
Hop in.
Take your time. Watch those marshmallows.
Ease on in there, now.
l won't bite unless you ask me to.
You are so beautiful.
Good boy, Baby.
How about we listen to a little bit of music?
What the....
How did you know? l love this song!
Making my way downtown Walking fast
Faces pass And I'm home bound
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall Into the sky
Do you think time Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk A thousand miles
If I could Just see you
Tonight
-Good evening, madam. Welcome to Bella. -Thank you.
What are you doing here?
l came to borrow the car and the keys to his house.
Are you crazy? lf you crash this man's car, he will kill you.
l won't crash it. Look. Just call me before you leave. l'll bring it back.
Then you meet me back at the club.
No, my brother. You got to get your own.
Help me.
Thank you.
May l bring you something from the bar?
Let me have a bottle of your best champagne.
-And bring us some oysters. -Very good, sir.
l have to say, l was so....
l was happy when l bought you at the auction.
l mean, it's very rare l have the opportunity to...
bask in the ambience of such a classy lady such as yourself.
Oh, my God!
-l am humbled by your... -This athlete's foot is just killing me.
-...beautiful nature. -That smell. That's infection.
-The most high-classness of your.... -My God. ls that a hangnail?
Captivated by your beauty.
Your bountiful curves remind me of the hills in ltaly.
l'm sorry. You were saying?
-That's perfect. Thank you. -Are you ready to order?
Yes, l'll have the chicken. White meat only.
And for the lady, perhaps a salad?
Perhaps not. l'll have the steak, smothered in onions.
A rack of ribs. Pasta with extra garlic.
French fries with lots of vinegar and a side of onion rings with lots of sauerkraut.
Have you ever had oysters?
Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac?
Sorry.
My tongue's kind of big.
lt'll open. Hold it!
l'll push. Yeah. See, that did it there.
Just a little turn.
There's so many keys involved...
sometimes it's hard to figure out what's what.
lt's Mei Ling.
What are you doing here? Girl, it's late!
Come on, now. You have to go home. Get some rest.
You cannot stay. There are laws against this kind of workmanship.
They'll think l'm running some kind of sweatshop.
That girl does not know when to go home.
l'm telling you, she will stay here and just clean forever.
This is really nice.
Yeah, this is dope.
Dope summer home l picked, boy.
Who's that?
The big, buff, bald dude with the fur?
That's my trainer.
You have your trainer on your wall?
Yes, well, for inspiration. l want to look like that one day and...
l come in every morning and l look at the.... You ever see Titanic?
-No, l haven't seen it. -Me, either. You want something to drink?
-Yeah, sure. A glass of wine would be nice. -Wine.
Okay, so l'll get you a glass of wine and....
That'd be in the kitchen, right?
l don't know. This is your house, Latrell.
Who? Oh, me! Latrell.
That's right. l'm Latrell. That's right.
l'm going to get you a bottle of my wine in my house.
It's my house and I live here
Damn, little lady!
You sure can put it away.
You're so funny.
Voilą!
You have a dog.
No, l don't have no damn dog.
Well, then whose dog is that?
Shit.
That's not no dog.
That's family.
Hey, cousin.
Come here, boy.
He looks really mad! Are you okay?
Yeah, l'm fine. He just misses me, that's all.
Okay, boy, playtime's over. Let me up!
-You want me to go for help? -No, we're just having fun.
You sure are playful today.
You want to go for a walk, boy?
l'll be right back!
You know what? Forget this! l'm out of here!
l don't want to go on a date with a guy and his dog is biting him and....
What's he doing now? What's that?
Don't pay him no mind.
He's just going to do that until he falls asleep.
Now, where were we? Wine!
You know, l like a woman with a little extra something.
A little cushion for the pushing.
l'd really love for you to come to one of my games.
No, thank you. l've seen you play. Not impressed.
Excuse me? l'm the highest scoring forward in the league!
But all that talent? Totally overshadowed by nothing but scandals and pure laziness.
Come on! You're shooting under 50% from the free throw line, okay?
Your turnover ratio, abysmal.
And on top of that, you can't shoot three-pointers to save your life. So...
squeeze me.
No one's ever cared like that before.
Come here, baby!
Oopsie! l had a poopsie.
Girl, we're going to get along just fine.
Back at you!
-Bask in the ambience! -l'm going to be sick.
So, no. l jump over the fence, fall. l scrape my knee.
-Get out of here. -No, seriously, listen.
l scrape my knee. l get chased by the cops and l spend the night in jail.
That's insane. You did all that just to find J-Lo and Ben's hideaway?
l can't help it. You know, investigative journalism is my passion.
So how'd you end up writing puff pieces for the local news?
Unfortunately, l made some enemies...
and ended up getting fired from my last job.
What happened?
Believe me, you don't want to know about that.
Look, l spent all night talking about myself.
Sometimes it's good for a man to just sit back and listen.
Well, since you put it that way.
l did this piece on Warren Vandergeld.
Him and his partners tried to swindle a guy.
You talking about Ted Burton?
Yeah, how did you know that?
lt was in the paper. l read about it.
But what they didn't report in the paper...
was that Burton was 10 times smarter than all of them.
He embezzled millions and stashed it in an offshore account.
When Vandergeld heard the story was going to break...
he didn't want to be embarrassed.
Well, there goes my job.
You know, you're a good listener.
lt seems like you have the whole package.
Man!
-Hello? -Kev, you got to go.
-What? Now? -Yeah, now. We're on our way.
Can't you stall him for a little while?
Look, this man sang to me. He tried to kiss me and on top of that...
he been farting for the last 20 minutes.
All right, l'll be there in a minute. Bye.
-Cottontail! -l'm coming, nigger!
Gomez, what the hell are we looking for?
l don't know. Something just isn't right about these girls.
l'm gonna check the bathroom.
Find anything?
No. Not yet.
You won't believe what l.... What the hell are you doing?
Sniffing chicks' underwear, man. What is the big....
lt's.... What?
They're guys, aren't they?
You really are disgusting.
-Can l buy you a drink? -Buzz off, Smallville.
Oh, my God. l so don't get it.
Guys think if they buy you a drink, it's a free ticket into your pants.
Well, it's not.
-What can l get you? -l'll have a Panty Dropper.
-Screaming Orgasm. -A Slow Comfortable Screw.
A Blue Balls on the rocks.
-l've had that before. That's a good drink. -Don't drink too many.
-Yo, Latrell. -What's up?
Excuse me, baby.
-Latrell, my man! What's going on, brother? -What's up, man?
-Two apple martinis. -You hitting that, bro?
-This is a tough one to crack. -Tiffany Wilson?
The ex queen?
Here. Drop a couple of these babies in her drink, man.
Are you sure this will work?
Man, l just took two of them, and l'm telling you...
l'm boinking someone tonight, you know?
Excuse me.
That's for you, my little Miracle Whip.
You need to loosen up. There you go.
That's for you.
-Oh, my God! ls that Britney Spears? -Where?
Right over there. Forget it, she just left.
Oops, she did it again.
-Let's drink up. -Let's do it.
To the last drop.
That's good. You want to dance?
You know, that's a great idea. Here, hold Baby. Let's go, girls.
l found out some interesting information. Ted Burton turned the tables on Vandergeld.
Tucked away $100 million.
Been living the high life ever since he got out of prison.
There goes our motive.
Those skanks think they're hot?
Let's show them what sexy really is.
They want to battle. Let's go, girls.
You girls want some of this?
Bring it on, sisters!
Okay, let's do it!
Five, six, seven, eight.
Come on.
Hold on.
l know you hookers don't think this is over with.
Let's kick it old school.
They suck!
Oh, my God!
We won!
Come on, let's go.
Get out of my way! Move it!
l need a drink.
Hey, Latrell, my man.
So did it work, man?
l don't know.
But l got to dance.
l got to hit this.
Hold the dog.
Let it out.
Oh, yeah. Now it's out.
l paid thousands of dollars on this outfit...
and do you think he even noticed?
lt's going to be okay.
Little Miss Vandergeld walks in...
and he just forgets all about me.
Okay, let it out.
l wonder...
if he would think she was so hot...
if he knew that she is broke.
Vandergeld's broke?
We mustn't talk of such things.
No, we won't.
But, yes, they're broke.
My father even had to loan her father money...
just so that they could keep their house.
They just paid us back.
-You guys, l love you guys. -We love you, too.
l love you so much!
Thank you.
Can we get you some gum or a mint or something?
Hey, little girl.
Really? l love you, too.
What the hell are you doing? Give me her!
Sicko. Where's Latrell?
Dance floor.
Good morning, snowflake.
Oh, my God. Brittany!
-What? -We're on page six.
-No. -Yeah.
Look. ''Wilson sisters rock Hamptons.''
-Wilsons rock! -We rocked!
Wait. We weren't in the Hamptons this weekend.
No! We've been cloned!
He's got to be around here somewhere.
Girl, wait a minute. lsn't that Marcus right there?
-That's him, all right. Old lying dog! -Caught you.
That sounds like Gina.
-Don't answer it. She'll go away. -No, she won't.
l'm not going anywhere until you open this door!
-l told you! What am l going to do? -Just get rid of her.
l'll get rid of her. You hide the stuff.
-l'm not playing with you! -Coming, baby!
What is all that noise?
Nothing! Okay, baby, l'm coming!
l'm coming. Hide.
Hey, baby! Hi, boo-boo.
-Nice room you got, Marcus. -Hey, baby, what you doing here?
-l could ask you the same question. -Me?
l'm on assignment.
Are you wearing lipstick?
No. That's Kool-Aid. You want some?
You know, it's filled with lots of vitamin C and riboflavin.
ls that a bra?
No, this?
This is the new holsters they gave us at work.
They're government issue. You can put two guns in there and just....
''Freeze, FBl!''
-l know somebody's in here. -Baby, nobody's in here.
See? Nobody's in here.
-Check under the bed-- -What do you mean, ''Check under the bed''?
-l heard somebody on the phone. -Check under the bed!
-That's where everybody hides! Check it! -Marcus! Nobody can fit!
See, nobody here, right? Nobody there.
-l'll look in the bathroom. -Wait! No! Don't check the bathroom!
You don't want me to check the bathroom!
See? Nothing in the bathroom. Nobody in the room. See?
l told you no one was here. See?
You know, baby, this gotta stop!
-We can't have love if we don't have trust. -l know, but look.
l was at the restaurant and the card wouldn't go through--
Listen. lf we don't have trust, we don't have nothing.
This is not about trust. This is about--
There she is, right there!
Now, baby. l can explain.
-l knew it. -Baby, it's not what you think.
-Don't you even say nothing to me!
l can explain. Baby, it's not what you think.
He's a man!
You're sick!
There's a lot of lovely ladies here today, boys.
Hey, Russ.
What happened to you?
l fell.
We have to find them and stop them before they execute their evil plan.
-Wait, what do they look like? -Duh, us!
Afternoon, ladies.
The Chief would like to have a word with you.
My God, Tiffany. They're the Men in Black.
Come on.
-Easy, Ponch and Jon. My hair! -Let's move it along, pal.
-Wait a minute! -Let's go!
Chief, we just got confirmation that Burton's arrived at JFK.
l want him trailed. Give him plenty of room. l don't want anyone jumping the gun.
l want to get this guy red-handed.
-Get your hands off of me! -Let's go.
-Hey, easy! -Right this way, girls.
What the hell you guys doing with the Wilson sisters?
-Chief, these aren't the Wilson sisters. -No, sir.
Chief, check this out.
My God! What are you doing?
-That's on there pretty good. -Let her go.
That's nothing, Chief.
How about....
-Those are nice. -That's enough!
l don't know how he did that...
but you can't fake these.
My God! Look who's here. lt's that beautiful--
Save it!
Because of you, l had to suspend two of my best agents!
-Chief, l can explain. -l don't want to hear it!
You're just lucky we caught Burton before he could strike.
But Burton is not our guy!
Let me guess: Women's intuition?
You're both fired.
Turn in your guns and your badges. This operation is over!
-Come on, Chief! You can't fire us. -l just did.
Forget him, Marcus. We can do this ourself.
-Look, all we got to do is-- -Wait.
''We''? Kevin, this ain't about ''we.''
lt's never been. lt's about you.
You come up with some stupid idea and l'm dumb enough to go along with it.
And look where it's gotten me, Kevin.
l just lost my wife and my job because of you.
So don't tell me about ''we'' no more, all right?
They bought it. The FBl is packing up.
They'll be out of our hair in a couple hours.
We could make the grab tonight.
You sure you and your friend can get the job done?
Would l let you down, Mr. V?
-Hey, man. l just want to say sorry. -Forget about it, dude.
No. You're right. You're absolutely right. l've been selfish.
l'm always dragging you into everything. l never even asked what you want to do.
l don't know, there's something about always having you around, that just...
makes me want to step up my game.
l guess it's because l always know you're gonna have my back.
Hello?
Thanks.
-Who was that? -That was Josh.
Turns out that Vandergeld's prints was all over the ransom note.
-What are you doing? -Calling the Chief.
No, you ain't! You said we could do this on our own, right?
What about backup?
l got you, you got me. That's all the backup we need.
Triple T-K-A.
Time to totally kick ass!
Three generations at the Bureau and l'm the first to get fired.
My dad is going to kill me!
Yeah? What? Who?
-Copeland! -Copeland, you dick!
You've got a lot of nerve, calling.
Where?
-You better not be wrong about this. -What?
-We might be getting our jobs back. -What are you talking about?
-We gotta go. -What do you mean, go?
How about this? RuPaul or Whoopi Goldberg?
-l told you, l'm not playing your games. -Come on!
-Any sign of Vandergeld? -l don't see him.
All right, keep an eye out for him.
lf it's going down, it's going to go down here.
Thank God! There you are! l did it.
-You did what? -l got you into the fashion show!
Brittany, did you hear that? We're in the fashion show.
Not if we don't get moving. Come on, let's go!
-Get the lead out, ladies. -l mean, it's like you forgot.
-You mean the Wilson sisters are in? -And we're out?
l'm sorry. That's just the way it is. They're hot, you're not! So deal with it.
-You! Straighten up that blouse, now! -That's impossible!
We've been on that catwalk every summer for six years straight!
Let's just cut to the chase.
Who do we have to sleep with for us to get in the show?
Honey, you're so barking up the wrong tree right now. Really!
lf you nail this, you're a shoo-in for the cover of Hamptons.
Darlings! Where have you been?
Megan! Don't!
This is unacceptable.
They just messed with the wrong girls!
l've been looking everywhere for you.
Can we get the Wilson sisters their outfits now, please? Go.
-Can we talk? -Of course.
You were incredible at the nightclub last night.
-Thank you. Thanks. -lncredible.
And Heather will be leaving after the party tonight, and l was thinking...
maybe you could come by around 2:00?
Make that 3:00 a.m.
You know what?
l don't think so.
Excuse me?
You think l'm just a booty call.
Well, l'm not.
l deserve better than that.
l'm tired of being your doormat.
Honey...
what makes you think you're that special?
-Bastard. -Excuse me.
Asswipe!
-You're going to regret that. -l'm so scared.
Oh, my God! Tiffany!
-Thank you so much, honey. -l am so proud of you.
Thanks. l just wish l didn't feel so crappy.
Honey.
Sometimes a man can't see when he has someone so special...
sitting right in front of him.
Are you, like, a lesbian?
-l better go get changed. -Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, this evening we are proud to present...
the fall couture line, Aubrey Allure. Please take your seats.
-Excuse me? -You're not on the list.
lnvitation, my ass! They don't know how we do it.
-Let's just blend. -All right.
Go! Get going! Move it!
Didn't we just have this conversation?
Can we get these fantastic supermodels...
-back into their dressing rooms? -l can't believe it!
-They changed that quick! -Amazing!
These ought to get the critics' attention.
Second changes, everybody! Go! Now!
This'll be a nice little treat.
My God! What's happening?
That's not mine!
Let's get out of here!
l'm sorry!
Just give me your hand. lt'll be okay.
l'm so sorry. Oh!
Come here! l got you!
Here we go. Up!
-My God! -l hope she's okay.
l'm ruined.
Looks like some people just don't know when to quit. Come on, girls.
-Help me. -l got you.
Karen, what are you doing?
Look, someone has got to give those girls a taste of their own medicine.
So revolutionary! lt's so bold and so....
So brilliant!
Everybody, they're imposters!
Hit the lights.
Where's Brittany?
Where are you?
Get down!
l told you you were going to regret it.
You hit like a bitch! Come on.
You run and l'll shoot you. Come on.
-My turn. -Mama?
Girl, we going to need some backup.
Girl, call NayNay and LaQuanda.
Tell them to bring the Vaseline and the straight razors.
These bitches are on some other shit!
What's going on?
-Don't touch my dress! -Vandergeld's got Tiffany!
What? No one messes with my queen!
Marcus! Are you okay?
-No. -What's wrong?
These damn G-strings are killing me!
-Freeze! -FBl.
You guys take care of them. We're going after Vandergeld.
Copeland! You're going to need this.
Come on, let's go.
FBl! Freeze!
Daddy, what are you doing?
Why don't you take your mother and your sister and go on home?
Daddy, why are you doing this?
Daddy didn't tell you? He's broke.
What do you mean, broke?
Like Martha Stewart broke or MC Hammer broke?
-MC Hammer broke! -No!
l've been funneling money out of the charity into a private account, just to get us by!
Are you filming this?
l'll give you something to shoot!
-Get out of my way! -l can't do that.
Drop it!
l got you, man. Man, we'll get that stain out. Don't even worry.
Don't move!
Warren Vandergeld, you are under arrest!
l just want to tell you, l appreciate what you did. That was real brave of you.
l had no choice. l couldn't let them take my one true love away.
Hey, dude. l'm not what you think l am.
Baby, we all got secrets. That's okay.
Are you telling me that you are not....
-Yeah. l'm not a woman. -White?
The deception! The betrayal, man! You deceived me!
Calm down. l'm an FBl agent. l was uncovering a--
Negro, please!
Didn't somebody tell you this was an all-white party?
Someone get this jigaboo away from me!
Are you okay?
Yes, l'm fine. Thank you.
So, do l get to see my knight in shining armor?
-Well.... -Get a leg!
Get off me!
What do you mean? l'm going to let you have it!
-You ain't never met nobody like me! -lt's me!
You don't know who you messing with! My name's Gina!
lt's me.
This is some Jerry Springer shit!
Once again, you guys managed to do everything l told you not to do.
You caused over $250,000 worth of damage.
Two people were shot.
But at least you got the right guy.
-Good work. -Thanks a lot, Chief.
But we couldn't have done it without Gomez and Harper.
All right, l'll see you all in the office tomorrow.
Good work, guys.
Who will be featured on the cover of Hamptons Magazine?
l have to take care of some business.
See you guys on Monday.
So, who do you think wore those panties you were sniffing?
Kevin or Marcus?
-Gomez, l told you. l was looking for DNA. -Oh, yeah.
What are you laughing at, ''Denzel''?
''Oh, what a beautiful chocolate man!''
You guys got some work to do?
l'm Denise Porter. Good night.
l'm Kevin Copeland. l'm an FBl agent.
l make $30,000 a year after taxes.
l don't drive a Bentley and l don't have a house on a hill.
But l'd really like to take you out.
Are you kidding me? Any man...
who would jump in front of a bullet for me...
can definitely take me on a date.
-Come on, girl, let's go. -Wait, could l just please--
-l have nothing more to say to you. -l know. Just listen to me, please.
Gina, l lied to you.
l've hid things from you.
But l have never cheated on you. But l am guilty.
l'm guilty of paying more attention to my job than l do my wife.
l'm guilty of not appreciating all the little things you do for me.
Like getting your hair done.
Wearing that sweet-smelling Chanel cologne l love so much.
But my biggest crime is that l didn't tell you l loved you every single day.
-You're not going to let him off that easy. -Will you shut up?
l love you.
A wheelchair?
Yes, but the feeling will come back, l promise.
Making my way downtown Walking fast
Faces pass And I'm home bound
Backup, Tony.
Hey, girls.
So you guys were pretending to be them the entire time?
Yes, we were. But we was only doing our job.
l hope you guys aren't too pissed off at us.
We're so bummed!
We liked Brittany and Tiffany...
so much more when you were them.
So much more!
So l guess this means we won't be hanging out any more?
Don't say that. Of course, we will hang out.
Oh, yeah. We'll all get together and we're gonna go...
shopping!
Subtitles by Phaeton